Do Not Pass GO!
A Ten-Minute Play by G.P. Cassara
(Monopoly set up) As the game stands; GRANT has a Monopoly on yellow and green, while also owning the 2 trains (B&O and Short Line) and one red (Illinois Ave); Janis owns Park Place, the other two red, and one of the utilities; Mia owns Boardwalk, a Monopoly on orange, and the other utility; Camille has a Monopoly on light blue and brown, while owning the 2 other train tiles; Each of the girls owns a tile of the pink.
So far, GRANT has the most money, JANIS is close to losing, MIA is holding on—barely, and CAMILLE is coasting, just having fun.
A group of four people sit around a small table where the board game Monopoly is set up. We join them in the middle of their game, they all seemed keenly focused.
JANIS
I rolled… (she rolls the dice) a nine.
JANIS begins to move her piece. GRANT laughs, having counted the tiles before JANIS finished moving her pieces. JANIS lands on Marvin Gardens, and frowns.
GRANT
That’ll be—
JANIS
(seething) $360… I remember.
GRANT
Actually (Taking a deep breath through his teeth)… since I just got another house my last turn, it’s $850.
GRANT is smiling from ear to ear, but JANIS looks like she could flip the table.
JANIS
No. No fucking way! No! That’s all but… (She counts her money) $120 of what I have left.
GRANT
Hey, don’t flip the table.
JANIS wants to object.
If you’re lucky, next time you might land on GO and make up half of that money you had to pay me.
JANIS
You know what, Grant, I—I don’t believe you. How the fuck does it go from $360 to eight fucking fifty!
GRANT shrugs.
GRANT
That’s life, Jan.
JANIS
No, it’s actually FUCKING Monopoly!
MIA
Just pay it, Jan.
JAN (surprised)
I’ll lose next round if I do, he has hotels all over the green!
A moment.
Can’t I just pay you in credit or something next turn? Once I’m safe and pass go.
CAMILLE
(quietly) That’s not in the rules, Jan—
JANIS
CAMILLE!
CAMILLE
sorry
JANIS
No, I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that it’s that expensive.
GRANT
I hate to be that person, Jan, but…
GRANT picks up his property card.
The card says you owe me $850 now.
JANIS
I’ll read it myself, thanks.
JANIS rips the card from GRANT’s hand to read it herself.
I don’t see where it says—(she sees it) Fuck you, Grant.
JANIS throws the money in GRANT’s direction, letting him pick it all up. CAMILLE helps GRANT. GRANT snickers cockily, he is basking in the fan of Monopoly money he is slowly collecting.
GRANT
Don’t hate the player, Jan, hate the game.
JANIS
(mockingly) “Don’t hate the player Jan, hate the game”. How about I hate both.
JANIS shoves the dice towards MIA who goes next.
MIA
Okayyyy, anyways (she rolls the dice)… four.
MIA moves her piece from community chest in the green area, before she even gets there JANIS interjects with excitement.
JANIS
Aha! Finally someone lands on Park Place. That’ll be $70 please.
JANIS holds out her hand expectingly. MIA counts the money without question.
GRANT
Hold on!
GRANT picks up the Park Place property card.
Where are you getting $70 from? It’s only $35 if you only own one of the properties.
MIA
I can just pay $70 it’s fine.
JANIS
Thank you, Mia, for having some class.
GRANT
Call it class all you want, I’m gonna call it cheating.
JANIS
If anyone is cheating at this game, it’s you sitting in the corner hoarding all of those properties.
This offends GRANT.
GRANT
You dishonor me!
JANIS
Why are you talking like a fucking weirdo?!
CAMILLE
guys…
They do not hear CAMILLE.
GRANT
A weirdo?! At least I’m not scamming our friends out of their money!
A moment, JANIS looks at GRANT like he can’t be serious.
JANIS
THIS IS FUCKING MONOPOLY, GRANT.
GRANT
Oh, ex-fucking-cuse me for being the only one who takes game nights seriously.
MIA
GUYS!
CAMILLE jumps. The other two stop screaming but keep looking at each other with momentary hatred.
MIA
Sorry Camille, but… Jesus, we are just playing Monopoly.
JANIS
I don’t think I want to play anymore if Grant keeps acting like such a dick.
GRANT
Wha—
A moment. GRANT looks at the other two friends for reassurance.
It’s not me, right?
CAMILLE
Well, you are being a little cocky about winning so far.
GRANT takes her seriously.
GRANT
Okay… I guess I might be getting a little competitive—
JANIS scoffs.
JANIS
A little?!
MIA
Jan! That’s enough.
JAN raises her hands in surrender.
JAN
Okay! I got it.
A moment.
Let’s just keep going. Can I get my $35, then?
MIA
Of course, Jan.
MIA counts the money easily and passes it over to JANIS.
Here you go.
JANIS
Thank you.
GRANT
See, was that so hard?
JANIS is on the brink of cracking again, but MIA grabs her arm calmly.
MIA
Don’t, Jan. We’ll make a comeback.
JANIS and MIA exchange a look as though they understand each other.
GRANT
Uhhh, that sounds a little suspicious. What do you mean we?
A moment. No one elaborates and the dice are passed to CAMILLE while GRANT is still stuck on this.
Hello?! Is anyone going to explain what “we’ll make a comeback” means.
CAMILLE acknowledges him but shrugs. JANIS and MIA are counting their personal properties and money. CAMILLE rolls.
CAMILLE
Looks like I’m on St. James.
MIA
That would be mine.
CAMILLE
How much with a hotel?
MIA
(Checking her card) $950.
CAMILLE
Ouch.
CAMILLE counts her money, but finds that she doesn’t have enough.
I’ve only got $812. I think I’m out.
CAMILLE gets ready to hand over all her money to MIA and her properties back to the bank.
MIA
Hold on, Camille. If you only have $812, that means you’re missing… $138, right?
CAMILLE
(Confused) Yeah… why?
MIA
I’m just curious, really. And how much is Virginia Avenue?
CAMILLE
It’s… $160.
MIA
How about we make a deal?
CAMILLE is hesitant but trusting. GRANT is watching this very closely while JANIS hides, counting the properties and money behind his back still.
CAMILLE
What kind of deal?
MIA
I’ll take $150 off of what you owe and in return, you give me Virginia Avenue.
GRANT
Wait… how does that even work? What about the other $10 left of what Virginia is worth?
MIA
We’ll call it an investment.
A moment.
How does that sound, Camille?
CAMILLE
Sounds fair to me—
GRANT
Wait a damn minute! I don’t remember being able to just throw around trades like this when it’s not even your turn!
MIA
It’s not my turn but since she can’t pay me for the hotels on St. James, I made a deal for her on HER turn.
MIA looks pleased with herself, JANIS joins the conversation now, a small smile now too. MIA does not convince GRANT.
GRANT
I still don’t think this is fair, I mean where in the rules—
JANIS
It’s house rules.
GRANT
We’re not in a fucking house. We’re in your apartment, Jan.
JANIS
Semantics.
GRANT
Sounds more like bullshit.
MIA
It’s only fair if Camille agrees.
A moment.
Camille?
CAMILLE looks between the three of them, trying to figure out what is going on.
CAMILLE
Okay… I accept.
CAMILLE hands the Monopoly money and property to MIA.
MIA
Here’s ten dollars too since Grant is so concerned about “fair” negotiations.
CAMILLE
Thanks.
CAMILLE passes the dice to GRANT.
It’s your turn.
GRANT
Finally. Before I roll, I’m gonna use my money to get hotels for all of my yellow properties.
MIA
You sure?
GRANT
Of course, I know what I’m doing.
MIA
Will you have any money left over?
GRANT
Nothing I won’t make back the next time Janis lands on my properties.
JANIS
We’ll see about that.
GRANT
Oh, I know we will. Look at the the next part of the board you’re about to pass. I got those hotels on the green awhile ago, and (he looks at how much money she has left, then breathes through his teeth again) I’m not sure you could afford a stay there…
GRANT pays for and puts the hotel on his yellow properties. He rolls.
Eleven. I pass go and land… on…
JANIS
Income Tax. Damn. Can you afford that, Grant?
GRANT
I also get $200 for passing Go!
MIA
You do, but looks like most of it—actually all of it—goes towards the income tax.
GRANT
No way!
He looks at the tile. Sees their right, then calms down so as not to give into what they think/know of him.
Okay, fine. I’ll pay, it’s no problem. Next turn I’ll make seven times that when Jan lands on Pennsylvania Ave.
JANIS
A little cocky.
GRANT
Not cocky, just confident.
GRANT passes JANIS the dice.
Here, go ahead.
JANIS
Before I roll…
JANIS exchanges a look with MIA.
I have a deal I want to make with Mia.
MIA
I’m listening.
JANIS
What I propose is that we combine our properties and our money, so that we can make not one… but two monopolies.
GRANT
That’s not fair!
MIA
Hmm… what did you say before? That’s life?
MIA looks at him with a wicked grin.
GRANT
No! No! No!
MIA
I accept.
JANIS
Sweet.
MIA
Then, for our turn, before we roll, how about we buy some hotels with my—sorry, I mean buy some hotels with our money now.
GRANT
This is BULLSHIT!
CAMILLE
Grant—
GRANT
NO! I’m not gonna do this again! I’m fucking done!
GRANT flips the board and starts walking offstage.
You can say I lost again, I’m done! FUCK all of you!
A moment of stunned silence. They slowly, awkwardly, start picking up the pieces.
GRANT (Running back from offstage, pointedly)
I NEVER want to play with you fucking people EVER again!
JANIS and MIA laugh. CAMILLE sits there awkwardly
END OF PLAY